Sleep

Sleep, that stuff that our body needs to in order to rejuvenate itself.  I normally do not have trouble sleeping. It's getting up that I have trouble doing. No matter how much sleep I do or do not get, I don't want to get up. Why is that? When I wasn't over-weight did I have this problem? I don't remember.

I have sleep apnea, a very mild case but still it's there. When I got my CPAP machine, I thought that it would be the answer to my challenges of hauling it out of bed in the mornings. I would wake up refreshed, rejuvenated, alert and ready to tackle the world. But, that did not happen. I couldn't tell the difference. Crap! What happened? This was going to be my answer.

I'm getting ready to start a liquid fast for 14 days (medically necessary) so I'm anxious to see if just drinking liquids will make me hop out of bed.

Someone posted on FB from Aunty Acid and I, of course, reposted. "If we were meant to 'Pop' out of bed... we'd all sleep in toasters."

Monday or Tomorrow

Do you ever say, I'll start on Monday or I'll do better tomorrow? How many times in my adult life have I said that to myself? Sometimes multiple times a day. It's said or thought with good intentions. As the saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". My road to.....what shall we call it? Fluffiness, big, obesity, fatness, whatever we call it, it can be our own personal hell. Anyway, today was one of those days. It started off just fine. I faced the scale on a Monday morning, logged my weight in my phone app and went on my way.

Breakfast, too busy to stop and eat. Lunch, hungry but ate my salad I brought. If I had just stopped at that. No, I had to have someone bring me chicken strips from the cafeteria. Could I have eaten one and been okay? Yes, but did I stop there? No.  I worked and munched on chicken strips/ Ate them all, I did. All four of them. Why, did I not stop at the one or two?

Fast forward to evening. Since I had eaten the chicken strips for the protein, they would keep me full. I wouldn't have to eat dinner. If I wanted, I could have something small. Yes, that's right small. I'll have a small treat and be done with it. I can grab it on my way home, eat it before I pull in the driveway. I can do my nightly routine, sit down, relax and not have to worry about dinner.
Remember the road? Well, I paved it some more. I paved it with a double dip ice cream cone. Not just any cone, a waffle cone! Did I stop there? Of course not. I later had leftover cheese bread (I did share with the dog) and a box of Butterfinger bites (which I did not share).

There I said it! I put it out there. I ate all that crap and today was supposed to be the better day. It was Monday! It was the day of starting over, of new beginnings. Ok, but there is tomorrow. I am going to do better tomorrow. I will eat better, I will drink my water, I will conquer this beast tomorrow.

"Tomorrow, tomorrow, is only a day away".

Revelation

A couple of weeks ago, I was folding clothes and I had the most fantastic revelation. We all know that when people lose weight, they get new clothes. We know that in our head. But.... the thought of the real possibility of buying new clothes that didn't contain an "X" in the size, was such a revelation that it made me giddy. Yes, giddy. Now, I hate clothes shopping. I do. I am short and squatty and everything that fits across the middle and the buttocks is twelve inches too long. True story! The fantasy reality was wonderful.

I would be able to throw away, give away, do whatever with all my baggy tshirts with holes and stains. I wouldn't have to keep them because they fit. I could give away all my sweat pants that my brother calls my "clown pants". I will agree, they are too big but they are comfy. I'll be able to buy cute clothes. I won't have to buy something that looks like 1960's drapery fabric. I'm telling you, the day dream made me happy.

The possibility of freedom from my weight lifts my spirit. It's something I don't really share with others. It's like I can't tell anyone my dream of new clothes because I'm not there in my journey.
Just the thought keeps that light aglow and I'm going to follow this dream.

New Journey

Fast forward from my last post in 2013 to now. That journey has led me to a new one. As my doctor said, "I'm broken". So, I am going to have surgery. Not anything I ever planned on, I said I would never do, but here I am and I'm going to do it. I'm going to have Gastric Sleeve surgery.

I never thought I would have bariatric surgery of any kind. It was too invasive, expensive and too many people failed. But, in my circle of co-workers, there was this person who is much younger, had demons of their own to fight, and the stresses of life that we all have who had changed ther life. How? Gastric Sleeve Surgery. I kept reading their FB posts and they were living life. I kept reading, watching and wondering. Then, at the end of February, I too had decided to take back my life. I called and made my first appointment.

The second Monday in March at 6:00pm I had myself at a Bariatric Surgery seminar. First step in the journey. Even though, my mind was made up, I still listened with an open mind. I learned what all was involved, listened to the doctor, saw a room full of people struggling with the same FAT demon. I was going to do this. I could/can do this.

So, begins this new journey....